Diary I

What a ridiculous sitaution to be in, especially for me. Tomorrow, I'm supposed to be meeting up with a friend of mine for lunch. I haven't seen her (yes, exactly) for a while now, and I've been worrying about what I'm going to wear.

You see, my situation is this. As you might have guessed we were 'involved' in the past. We spent a very pleasant week together some time ago, then didn't see each other for about a month. Before we separated, I think we could have been on the verge of getting together and starting taking the first tentative steps in a relationship, but when we met up again when we got back to town, I wasn't sure where we would stand.

Our first few meeting was a little awkward because of this. When we parted afterwards, I kissed her, but I'm not sure either of us knew what it meant or how it had been received. We didn't kiss after that, although the awkwardness disappeared, and we were getting on very well. I felt comfortable being affectionate with her, and that's not something I'm used to.

Anyway, for reasons I won't go into, something happened to make me think that actually she wasn't serious about things, or wasn't willing to play her part in making things work, or didn't actually want us to be together, or something. So we drifted apart again for a while, until one day I decided to email her to explain why it was I hadn't attempted to contact her.

Since then, we're in reasonably frequent contact. She has a boyfriend. We've seen each other from time to time but not met up properly for a while. And so that's what we're planning to do. Tomorrow.

Trouble is, because of the way things 'ended' between us... or more accurately, because of the way in which nothing really started for us to end, when it really seemed as though something should start... it's proving hard to decide... what... to... wear...

You see. If we were to have the chance of starting things up again, I would be very happy about it. I think I've learned my lesson with her. I shouldn't have let go when I did. I shouldn't have let her slide away from me. Or maybe I should, but just don't understand why... anyway! The point is that she did mean something to me, and she still does, even though I guess a large part of me is capable of living with us 'just' being friends.

It's certainly not my intention to try to separate her from her boyfriend, even if I were capable of it. And yet. One day, she may be single again. So! What to wear? Do I make an effort to look attractive? Do I splash the eau de toilette liberally and mess around with my hair to make it look slightly more styled, in the hope that she won't forget me; so that if she does one day separate from her current boyfriend, she might bear me in mind? (Oh man, how pathetic does that sound? Really, perhaps it's time I grow up...)

Or is that too much like trying my luck, when she's still in a relationship? Because usually I don't really try too hard. Certainly I don't often style my hair unless I'm going somewhere where there's likely to be an adundance of single females. And if I try, does that also mean that I'm trying to interfere? Argh!

But am I just worrying for nothing? It's been a while - most likely she's over me by now, right? Trouble is that when I've seen her recently things have been, well, normal. And the point is that normal before led to us getting together (in all but official terms). Soooo.....

Sod it. Smart but not in your face. Right? Ohhh... nuts!